Vigilante

William Lustig | 1983 | 90 min | US

There are many, many films of this era revolving around the topic of "this city has become a cesspool of crime; the legal system cannot protect us; ordinary citizens should start a-killin." Even the tagline for Vigilante is "You're Not Safe Anymore." This may be as close as we will ever come to Whitesploitation cinema.

Eddie Marino (Robert Forster) is a family man and factory worker in New York City. He loves his wife, his young son, his buds, an honest day of labour, and planning for the future. As soon as the talk of vacations with his wife starts, you know they are all doomed. Days later, Eddie's family is destroyed by a gang of thugs after a dispute over a ten dollar tank of gas. Understandable.

Eddie's coworker and friend Nick (Fred Williamson) floats the idea that he has a van, a gun, and a shit-ton of rage, so maybe they can start picking off gang members themselves? But no, Eddie isn't that kind of guy, the system works, et cetera. He trusts the authorities to deal with these career criminals. But when Eddie's court date rolls around, he witnesses a vulgar display of bribery and a suspended sentence for a killer in a bedazzled denim vest. He attacks the judge in a fit of righteous anger. No, Eddie! Luckily, this clears the way for the most interesting portion of the film. While Eddie tries to navigate a short prison prison stint for contempt, Nick and two other coworkers on the outside are climbing their way up the gang hierarchy using bats and dick kicking.

Once he is released from the clink, the boys welcome Nick and his new lust for street justice with open arms. What follows is a judgment-free depiction of serial assault and murder by the "good guys."

It's not best in class, but thanks to the gore-savy direction of William Lustig (of the Maniac and Maniac Cop films) and the yin and yang performances of Williamson and Forster, this is a satisfying offering of the subgenre. Thumbs up, take back the night, and so forth.

Centurion

Neil Marshall | 2010 | 97 min | UK

I was very excited when I heard that Neil Marshall was tackling the story of the 9th Roman Legion who went missing in the frontier of the empire's territory in 117 AD. What would Marshall conjure up? A reinvention of Gaelic vampire lore? A period return to his werewolves? Oh boy, I had looked forward to that for a long time. Well, the wait is over! And Centurion delivers nothing new.

My problem with the movie is not that I was disappointed by its lack of supernatural hoo-ha, however. The story is interesting enough: a legion is decimated by a local army employing guerrilla tactics that are totally alien to the Romans, and is wiped from the official history books. And the calibre of talent is remarkable, led by Michael Fassbender and Dominic West. Unfortunately, the script just goes through the usual paces, delivering a few character surprises, but mostly favouring the path of countless other action films. Even the action set pieces are dry. There are some gory moments, plenty of tight camera work rendering those moments largely indecipherable, and virtual buckets full of CGI blood jetting forth from CGI wounds. By the time a comely unarmoured woman is introduced, you know exactly where everything is heading.

Though I did very much enjoy most of the cast, I do have one casting gripe: Ulrich Thomsen, who plays Pict leader Gorlacon, was done up to look far too much like Sting for me to have ever taken seriously on screen. "Is that Sting? Why is Sting so mad? That might be Sting," etc.

On the bright side, the photography in the English and Scottish countrysides is beautiful. Marshall seems to recognize this as the highlight of the film, too, because he really got his money's worth with that helicopter rental. There are countless extreme long shots of our heroes and their pursuers racing across hilltops and plains. These running shots could be a drinking game if anyone were willing to give Centurion a second watch.

At 97 minutes it absolutely drags its way to the end. Apparently there is a 120 minutes cut in Finland as well? Good God. Centurion is not terrible, but the best that can be said about it is that it is serviceable. On the heels of Doomsday, The Descent, and Dog Soldiers, it is very disappointing that Marshall would accept that as good enough.

Death Wish 3

Michael Winner | 1985 | 92 min | USA

East New York City, 1985: a time when crime ran rampant and cars exploded at the slightest provocation. Mean streets indeed for architect/crime fighter Paul Kersey to return to, particularly when played by a then 63 year-old Charles Bronson.

Kersey buses his way back to the big city to see an old friend and arrives just in time to hear his final words. His friend had been the latest of many to suffer a violent beating at the hands of local toughs who all look like Adam Ant (including a baby faced Alex Winter). That death cannot stand, will not stand, and the fearful neighbourhood residents have little to do but watch as Kersey takes revenge and causes massive, massive collateral damage.

Far more than the prior revenge films, Death Wish 3 is stunningly bizarre. From the off-kilter direction, to the dialogue ("They killed the Giggler, man!"), to the funk/no wave hybrid soundtrack of Jimmy Page, Death Wish 3 is relentless is the best possible way. This was the third and last Death Wish for director Winner and the second from the 80s action producer giants Cannon Films. All parties involved go for broke. The violence comes fast and heavy, and no one is satisfied until city blocks have been completely devastated. And among all that rubble and amorality, wall to wall laughs.

As the death toll rises around Kersey yet again, Bronson all but shoulder shrugs his way through his performance. At those moments he does speak (according to supporting actor Ed Lauter, he didn't enjoy delivering lines), his delivery is at once psychotically detached and comedic; which is to say, perfect. He shrugs off the death of his wife and coos over his custom Wildey Magnum (the gun's manufacturer later featured the film in a commercial promoting the same!).

Romantic interest Deborah Raffin, playing lawyer Kathryn Davis, also offers a delirious performance and the strangest first date you have ever uncomfortably witnessed. She hates her sister, loves sports, and enjoys taking home brooding strangers after she aids their release from jail onto skid row. Aforementioned Ed Lauter also deserves a gold star for his role as a bipolar cop who salutes friend and foe alike as "dude."

Of course, Death Wish wouldn't be Death Wish if our man didn't soundly dispose of all the street trash ruining grocery runs for everyone. Sure, Kersey takes care of the young punks, but to what end? As the film wraps, wild gangs of geriatrics have pulled out their heaters and tasted blood. . . and loved it.

If you don't watch this movie you hate freedom.

A spotless 35mm print of Death Wish 3 plays again at Toronto Underground Cinema this Sunday, August 1, at 7:00.

Bodyguards & Assassins [Shi yue wei cheng]

Teddy Chan | 2009 | 139 mins | China / Hong Kong

At the Asian Film Awards which wrapped mere hours ago in Hong Kong, the two top acting awards went to veteran Chinese actor Wang Xueqi and Hong Kong heartthrob Nicholas Tse, who played Master Li and his kindly rickshaw driver, respectively, in Bodyguards & Assassins, Teddy Chan's star studded historical epic. Loosely based on real events, the film looks beautiful but ultimately lacks the serious ass kicking needed to make it a truly fun ride.

The tale is set in 1905, and Sun Yat-sen is on his way to Hong Kong (then a British colony) to plan a revolution to overthrow the crumbling Qing Dynasty in China. Revolutionary Chen Shaobai arrives in Hong Kong a few days before Sun's arrival, to meet Li Yue-tang (Wang Xueqi), a businessman who's been helping to fund the cause. As Sun's arrival draws near, a convoluted sequence of events forces Li to throw full support behind the revolutionaries, rallying a group of men including his rickshaw driver (Nicholas Tse) and a mysterious beggar (Leon Lai) to divert the assassins so that Sun can enter Hong Kong, meet his cohorts and leave safely. While this motley crew tries to protect Sun, Li's young wife has hired Sum Chung-yang (Donnie Yen), a man with whom she has some history, to tail the group and protect her husband. Simon Yam also briefly appears as an exiled Qing General living in exile and disguised as the leader of an opera troupe.

There's a lot of set up, many characters to follow and several side plots (such as the rickshaw driver's touching romance with the lame daughter of a local photographer), so the talk-to-action ratio is a bit out of whack. However, when Master Li's son Li Chongguang is chosen to act as the decoy for Sun Yat-sen in an elaborate rickshaw and foot chase through the city streets, the kung fu finally begins, and it's pretty good.

It's clear from the start that this is the sort of epic blood bath that might end well for "history" but not for any of the individuals involved. As the action escalates, Donnie Yen unsurprisingly has the best fight choreography, and Leon Lai has the most impressive scene, as he battles a whole team of hook and chain wielding assassins with nothing but a deadly black iron fan. The film has had its theatrical release in Asia, and seems unlikely to land on the big screen in North America anytime soon, but look for it on BluRay - the DVD is already out.

Human Prey

James Tucker | 1995 | 72 min | US

Every few years a new title is declared the "Worst Movie Ever." For a while that movie was Plan 9 From Outer Space, then Troll 2 had a time in the sun, and now The Room seems to be the current popular choice for WME. But as anyone who truly delves into the depths of celluloid trash knows, those movies have nothing on the hundreds of no budget joints steadily being turned out by mercenary schlock merchants and painfully earnest filmmakers alike. This is the world from which Human Prey was born. According to an interview with director James Tucker, Human Prey was shot on Super VHS for $3000 over the course of five days. Oh, and the seventy-five page script was a first draft. Amazing.

After becoming the victim of a violent mugging, a Los Angeleno psychologist loses his grip on reality and begins hunting the criminal element of his city. This initially takes the form of revenge upon his muggers, but quickly degenerates into kidnapping hookers and killing black strangers who enjoy weightlifting. Finally, the psychologist drags whoever he can out to the California woods to hunt with a rifle while decked out in full Elmer Fudd getup. Surely, his vigilante spree will know no end. . . unless his prey can fashion some crude, but deadly-accurate arrows?

Though I do not want to give the impression that this plot is easily laid out for the lazy viewer. Oh no. All of this information is parsed out in nonsense scenes played by introduction-free characters. People come and go, as do sets, and it is assumed we are well enough acquainted with all of them that we do not require development or back story. Further, the film betrays a basic lack of understanding of psychology terminology, police procedure, and what hotel rooms look like.

That being said, I purchased this movie with nine others in a package called Action Arsenal and I intend to watch them all.

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra

Stephen Sommers | 2009 | 116 min | USA

McCullen, the latest generation from a long line of weapons dealers (the film's opening shows us that it's been the family trade since at least the 1600s) has developed a deadly new weapon with NATO funding, and plans to steal it back in order to take over the world. Thankfully for the world, an elite group of soldiers called G.I. Joe have taken it upon themselves to stop him and his gang of baddies.

The good guys are (cheer)led by General Hawk, as phoned in by Dennis Quaid. He doesn't once leave G.I. Joe HQ, and is injured early on so that the laziness of his performance can be helped along through the use of a wheelchair and later a cane. The rest of the featured "Joe" team is Duke, Ripcord, Snake Eyes, Scarlet, and a couple of other dudes whose names I just looked up and discovered to be Heavy Duty and Breaker. So it's the usual variety of characters. A couple tough guys, the wiseass, a ninja, a hot girl, and a nerd.

The bad guys, lead by McCullen, are the Baroness, Storm Shadow, Zartan, numerous armoured soldiers who've been injected with a fear and pain inhibitor, and a masked scientist who created the deadly weapon they're trying to steal. So... Smarmy leader, babe, tough guys, ninja, and nerd.

Filled with connected backstories, many of each team conveniently alrady have some sort of history with each other which is told through fairly entertaining flashbacks. The best being a fight between Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow as children in Japan.

The film moves along at a good pace, never dragged down by it's sometimes hilariously convoluted story. Most of the film's performances are fun for the type of movie GIJ:TROC is, and Stephen Sommers has made sure that the type of movie is a big dumb summer movie with lots of fighting, destruction, fancy vehicles, good looking people who are relatively likeable, and an ending that sets up a sequel. I'm looking forward to that sequel.

Power Kids

Krissanapong Rachata | 2009 | 90 min | Thailand

A rag tag group of young muai-thai students spend the first half hour or so of Power Kids, fighting a drunk meathead American, stealing money from their teacher to buy an RC car, racing said car, and getting their hides tanned. It's all fun, games, and character development until Wun, the youngest of the group, needs an emergency heart transplant. He's very lucky that another young boy in Thailand who had been in a coma (“asleep like a pile of vegetables” according to the film's sometimes iffy English subtitles), passes on, making his heart available for transplant. There's a catch though. The hospital across town that the heart is neatly packed away on ice in is being visited by the U.S. ambassador, and terrorists lead by The Rebel's Johnny Nguyen have decided to take the hospital hostage.

With only four hours until the heart is useless, Wun's muai-thai-for-kids classmates/pals take it upon themselves to go to the hospital to get the heart. Of course it's not quite that easy, and they need to deliver and receive some big fun beatings. Call me sick, but there's something really really fun about watching a child getting kicked across the room into a wall. At the same time though, it's just as fun to watch them deliver flying knees to the heads of full-grown adults.

The film's far from perfect but its flaws are entertaining. The far-fetched plot and intense melodrama enhance the film somehow by unintentionally making the film more fun than intended (though make no doubt it is meant to be very entertaining). Power Kids' solid fight choreography is its strongest element. It never feels like the moves have been simplified for the kids to be able to perform them or softened to keep kids from getting bad ideas upon viewing the film. If you've got kids, watching this will give them lots of really bad (and awesome) ideas on how they could kick your ass when you come home drunk and hit them. So keep that in mind, and if you do show it to them, be sure to replace all of your fluorescent light fixtures beforehand. Your face will thank me later.

TSADT Podcast Episode 05

Download | MP3

This week we review a Charles Bronson one-two punch-up of Hard Times and Telefon. We also blab about Undisputed, Kathryn Bigelow's Hurt Locker, and gossip, gossip, gossip! It's the cocktail party edition.

Oh, and one correction to the podcast: we used the title Full Battle Rattle when we meant to refer to Phil Donahue's Body of War. Then we were unable to remember the title when actually speaking about Full Battle Rattle. Because we are dumb.

Subscribe | iTunes

Inglourious Basterds

Quentin Tarantino | 2009 | 154 mins | USA / Germany

I’ve been a fan of Quentin Tarantino’s since I first snuck into a screening of Pulp Fiction in high school, and subsequently sought out and was blown away by Reservoir Dogs. It’s not that he can do no wrong in my eyes, it’s just that I’m predisposed to liking his visual style, his cleverly crafted dialogue, his ultra-violent yet oh so stylish action sequences and his nerdy nods to his favourite genre films. When I heard that he was going to be making a WWII film about a gang of Jewish soldiers who wreak havoc on the German countryside scalping Nazis and striking terror into the heart of the Reich, I imagined a cool-as-hell reinvention of The Dirty Dozen, only grittier, more violent and more over the top.

In my mind, Inglourious Basterds was going to transcend the war film and become my favourite genre of all, my cinematic Achilles heel: the film about a ragtag group of misfits on an impossible mission. Alas, I was woefully disappointed on this count, but perhaps it’s unfair to lay the blame entirely on Tarantino’s shoulders for not delivering the film that existed in my mind. I wrote up a review of the film for Twitch which can be found here, which explains a bit more about the extensive and convoluted plot twists. I won't repeat the summary here. Instead, here's a concise list of my top and bottom three things about Basterds.

The best:

1. Christoph Waltz as Col. Hans “The Jew Hunter” Landa. His impeccable command of English, French, German and Italian and his goofy yet sinister vibe make this milk-drinking villain so delightful you want to root for him even though he’s a Nazi. Waltz won the best actor award in Cannes for the performance, and he fully deserved it.

2. Tarantino’s use of music. At first I hated the fact that he slipped David Bowie singing Cat People (“Putting Out Fire”) into the Morricone-infused score during a sequence in which French-Jewish babe Shosanna is getting dolled up for a big night, because it pulled me out of the atmosphere and time period entirely. As I think about it more, this choice seems particularly inspired, messing with the audience’s understanding and perception of a history that Tarantino has completely reinvented anyway.

3. The final battle sequence. Tarantino’s film is not-too-subtly all about the power of film itself. Ultimately, it’s cinema alone that is mighty enough to destroy the Third Reich, and when the climactic, cinematic exorcism of all our collective WWII demons finally arrives, it’s pretty damn brilliant and cathartic.

The worst:

1. There’s nowhere near enough Basterds in this film. After the first time they’re introduced, they almost never appear together again in the 154 minute film, and they’re so poorly fleshed out as characters that it’s impossible to care about them or even remember who some of them are. The film should have been called The Jew Hunter. That would have been considerably less disappointing.

2. Lots of great characters who disappear before you’ve had a chance to learn their name. Mike Meyers has a pretty decent cameo as General Ed Fenech, but the entire OSS subplot that he’s part of is axed so quickly it’s hardly worth the elaborate setup. Even Brad Pitt as Basterd leader Lt. Aldo Raine is reduced to essentially little more than a funny-accented comic relief character. A tiny bit more development could have gone a long way.

3. Inglourious Basterds is (nearly) all talk and no rock. A friend who also saw Basterds in Cannes referred to it as “a film about tables”. First, they talk at one table. Then they sit at another table and talk some more. Then they go to another table and ... you get the idea. Essentially, this is true. Of course we expect nothing less than brilliant dialogue from Tarantino, and he does deliver, but there’s way too damn much of it, and the balance between talk and action is so far off that I nearly dozed off during the middle. If you’re able to doze off during a Tarantino film, then the man’s not doing his job.

On the whole, I give this one 6.5 out of 10. I’m not sure if it’s my least favourite Tarantino, but it certainly doesn’t touch my top three (Reservoir Dogs, Pulp Fiction and Death Proof in occasionally shifting order, in case any of you want to judge my worth as a critic on this basis).

Star Trek

J.J. Abrams | 2009 | 125 mins | USA

Admittedly, I am a Star Trek fan. I watched the original sporadically as a kid, and really came of age with The Next Generation. I even have some affection for the bad spin offs because I just love the whole concept of Star Trek so much. So it was with a heady mixture of excitement and trepidation that I awaited the arrival of this “reboot”. Me and a billion other fans, right?

Well, I’m delighted to report that Star Trek is a triumph on all counts, but particularly succeeds for two key reasons: incredible casting, and a very clever solution to the problem of trying to reinvent a story with 40 years of elaborate history behind it.

From the relative unknowns to the familiar faces, every actor in Star Trek absolutely nails their character. It’s difficult to bring something new to a persona that your audience has known and loved for decades, but there’s just enough reverence paid to the original cast here without tipping the balance into caricature or outright mimicry. Everyone was great, but my personal favourite was Karl Urban as Dr. Leonard "Bones" McCoy. By the time he comes out with one of those "dammit Jim, I'm a doctor, not a [whatever]" lines that DeForest Kelley perfected in that role (and that you know is coming from the moment Urban first appears on screen), you've already completely fallen in love with him as Bones and the line is a delightful homage to the original instead of just being a hammy joke.

It is an intense challenge to reinvent a story that is already so familiar to virtually 100% of your audience. J.J. Abrams and company essentially had two choices: suffocate under the crushing weight of 40 years of intricate continuity or take drastic measures to wipe the slate clean. Thankfully they chose option two, and cleverly managed to completely reinvent the entire universe in a way that is both logical and respectful to the original.

The story and plot of Star Trek are kind of secondary to the fact that a beloved and iconic series has just been successfully reinvented. We get to meet the Enterprise’s crew in their Starfleet days and see them take their maiden voyage – a rescue mission to save Vulcan from evil Romulans. Eric Bana's Captain Nero is no Khan, but he makes for a pretty fun villain, and his ship is absolutely terrifying. That's all you really need to know about the plot. For non-fans, this is an entirely enjoyable, action-packed sci-fi film with set design, special effects and fight sequences that will rival any of the summer blockbusters. For the fans it’s a reboot so successful it almost makes you weep into your popcorn. I might even go so far as to call it the only really successful reboot ever.

Fast & Furious

Justin Lin | 2009 | 107 mins | USA

I am a totally unapologetic Vin Diesel completist, and I have to admit even I was fairly skeptical about the potential merits of the fourth film in the Fast/Furious franchise. What kind of desperation drives a studio to even consider a full original cast bring-back eight years after the fact, anyway? Perhaps my skepticism had more to do with the fact that I'm not all that interested in cars, and found the original Fast and the Furious to be the dullest of Vin Diesel's films. I even preferred The Pacifier. Y'know?

The film starts predictably enough, with a highway gas tanker hijacking by Dom (Diesel) and his crew. The story then quickly catches us up on the characters' lives - Dom and Letty (Michelle Rodrigues) are still runnin' from the law, O'Connor (Paul Walker) is still a bad boy FBI agent, and Dom's sister Mia (Jordana Brewster) is still mad at O'Connor for making her fall in love with him and tearing her family apart. The rest of the plot doesn't really matter. You're watching for Vin's silky voice and to imagine yourself curling up in his big arms in the front seat of a souped up Torino, right?

The screenwriters were obviously advised of the fact that the anticipated audience weren't gonna be too clever, so they take care to set up and explain every plot point slowly and methodically, lest you lose your way in the story's clever twists and turns. A couple of creative chase sequences in some underground tunnels stand out. Otherwise Fast & Furious is dumb, loud and fun, but not the extravaganza of high-octane awesomeness that I was hoping for from Vin's return to the series. If he'd asked me, I would have recommended he pass on this script in favour of xXx: Trinity*, but whatever.

Two facts that I learned from a quiz found in a copy of "Famous" magazine in the theatre lobby infinitely increased my enjoyment of the film. I'll share them with you. No spoilers, I promise:

1. Paul Walker starts each day with three hours of MMA training. This fact makes the one unexpected arm-bar he delivers in Fast & Furious all the more triumphant and hilarious.

2. Vin Diesel once wrote an introduction to a book about the history of Dungeons and Dragons. When you think about him as a nerd deep down inside, every line he delivers about 'engine grease' and 'throttle' is a genuine delight.

*xXx: Trinity is not a real thing, but wouldn't it be awesome if it was?

Punisher: Warzone

Lexi Alexander | 2008 | 103 min | US

The latest incarnation of the Punisher franchise is absolutely shocking in the frequency and severity of its headsploding violence. From the opening scene on we are treated to blood spraying fountain-like from necks, stumps, et cetera. This is either the best or worst feature of this movie depending on how awesome you are.

And by "best or worst feature" I really mean the only feature. The story is kept paper thin due to it already having been hashed out in two prior films and countless comics. Even for those who missed all of those, things are easy enough to understand: Frank "Punisher" Castle's family was killed by bad men, so now he kills bad men. Punisher: Warzone is thankfully thin on exposition. The only background we are handed in Warzone comes by way of a little clumsy dialogue and a couple brief scenes were the Punisher gets all reflective and misty. In lieu of voice-overs about missing his family, we get right into watching the Punisher kick a chair leg into a dude's eye within the first five minutes of screen time (and about twenty kills in).

The heavy concentration on action scenes was a wise decision, but there is a strange pacing about them. The choreography often goes from frenetic to glacial within the same scene and several battles involve the villians waiting patiently and silently for the Punisher to go about his business rather than, you know, freaking out or shooting his face off. Obviously its silly to expect realism in a film like this, though it is still strange to see the director hop back and forth between gritty, violent drama and comic hero zaniness. Punisher has long been the most grounded of pop comics, so it is odd to see this film approach a Dick Tracy-level of stylization, complete with the same primary colour scheme.

Still, in embracing its trashy essence and doing away with the previous films' origin-heavy veneer of heroism, Punisher: Warzone is easily the best of the three Punisher films. Ray Stevenson deserves a lot of the credit for keeping his teeth clenched and growl-method acting the shit out of this one. No one would accuse Warzone of being a great film, but it is fun as hell and, considering the title's history, is probably better than anyone could have hoped for, let alone expected. But again, be warned: the gore in this movie is has more in common with extreme horror than any action movie outside of Rambo. If that's not for you, stay away.

High-Ballin'

Peter Carter | 1978 | 97 mins | Canada / USA

I feel like I've been on a film review hiatus for a long time - it's not that I haven't been watching movies, it's just that I haven't been watching any that I really wanted to put up on the site. I mean, does anyone care to read yet another missive about Dr. Manhattan's dong?

I broke out of my rut last night when I popped in High-Ballin', a US-Canadian co-production from the late '70s about a group of big-rig highjackers terrorizing the highways of what looks like southern Ontario, and the plucky pair of truckers who try to put an end to their reign of terror.

Peter Fonda and Jerry Reed play Rane and Duke, the American imports in a cast otherwise comprised of mostly Canadian faces, including Helen Shaver as Fonda's tough-chick love interest (her name is Pickup, how adorable), Videodrome's Les Carlson, and Chris Wiggins, among many others. The trucker lingo is near-incomprehensible at times but it's fun to watch Shaver and Fonda flirt via CB radio nonetheless.

Filmed somewhere between the desolate landscapes of Milton and the snowy tundra of Toronto's waterfront, High-Ballin' starts out as a buddy movie, reuniting family man Duke with his roaming old pal Rane, a former trucker who's given up the life for a motorcycle and the open road. By the final third however, it becomes a sort of Canadian Convoy (which also came out in '78) with Fonda and Shaver in the Kris Kristofferson and Ali McGraw roles, uniting the truckers against a corrupt threat to their independence and way of life (though Shaver is undeniably tougher than McGraw). Some terrific chase sequences and highway shootouts ensue.

Incidentally, director Peter Carter was also responsible for the Canadian classic The Rowdyman, which was written by and stars a young Gordon Pinsent. A beautiful example of what was quite a popular genre in '60s-70s English Canadian cinema: the story of an outsider from the east coast trying to come to terms with his environment.

The Librarian: Quest for the Spear

Peter Winther | 2004 | 92 min | US

It is a rare movie that lives up to the promise its title suggests, but oh what joy when that movie comes along. Yes, the first of the Librarian movies (its a fucking SERIES) is the perfect storm. Noah Wyle plays an overacheiving long-time student who becomes the librarian of a secret respository of the worlds mystical treasures. A repository headed by Jane Curtin and Bob Newhart. When the mystical Spear of Destiny is stolen from the collection by a gang of toughs led by a tattooed, cargo-panted Kyle Maclachlin, only the librarian can unlock the clues to retreive it. Wyle embarks on a series of low rent Indiana Jones riffs that take him from a terrible digital backdrop of the Amazon jungle all the way to a terrible digital backdrop of the Nepal mountains. Come to think of it, "Noah Wyle plays librarian Indiana Jones on cable television" is probably more than enough.

The Librarian enjoys the distinction of having Bob Newhart's first action scenes, so you can only imagine the liveliness with which they are delivered. The clumsy, glacial pace of those action sequences is only matched by the amateurish and frequently inexplicable special effects. Why does Bob Newhart emerge from the wall in a shower of gold dust? Is he magic? An issue I trust is further explored in the sequel (which is on my shelf).

This is the kind of passion project that Noah Wyle left ER to pursue. Good call, friend. So, quick name check on the other cast members: Olympia Dukakis, Bob Newhart, Kyle MacLachlan, and Jane Curtin. Was there a stock market crash in 2003? This lunatic vision is one giant interrobang after another. Necessary viewing for librarians, Noah Wyle completists.

Bonus Feature: BOB NEWHART FIGHT SCENE!

Turkey Shoot

Brian Tranchard-Smith | 1982 | 93 mins | Australia

After seeing the doc Not Quite Hollywood at TIFF this year, my interest in Ozzsploitation was understandably piqued. I'd seen a few of the films described in it, but not enough! Perhaps the most simultaneously hilarious, action packed and nonsensical seeming option was Brian Trenchard-Smith's Turkey Shoot, which I got a chance to experience last week.

Turkey Shoot, a.k.a. Blood Camp Thatcher, a.k.a. Escape 2000, takes place in a futuristic, fascistic Australia in which "deviants" are sent to a sadistic rehabilitation camp, where they are reprogrammed through a strict regimen of abuse, torture and the like.

Steve Railsback is Paul Anders, an honest to goodness revolutionary who's escaped from every detention camp there is and has finally ended up in the toughest of them all - Thatcher's. Olivia Hussey is Chris Walters, a girl who happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time and is now stuck in the camp. Along with a few other inmates, they are about to become the human targets in a Most Dangerous Game-esqe amusement planned by the camp's vicious leader and some other miscellaneous mean rich people. Each hunter has his or her own target and weapon of choice (exploding arrows, machetes, big red ATVs - you know, standard human hunting accessories), and while poaching is against the rules, the contestants seem disinterested in following them.

There's enough zany action and over the top gore to keep the film interesting, but just in case your attention wanes, Trenchard-Smith introduces a few genuinely bizarre surprises along the way (hot tip: when a character named "Alph" shows up, this movie will go up at least 10 points on the awesome scale).

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone. Enjoy the turkey!

Emperor of the North Pole

Robert Aldrich | 1973 | 118 mins | USA

There was a whole spate of films about the depression made in the 1970s. Paper Moon, Hard Times and Where the Red Fern Grows come to mind right off the bat, but I'd never heard of Emperor of the North Pole until last night, but it's a bit of a star studded gem.

Lee Marvin is A-No.1 (that's pronounced A Number One, in case you had any doubts), a top notch hobo who won't take anybody's guff and is determined to take down "The 19", a train that no hobo has ridden before. Ernest Borgnine is Shack, the merciless and sadistic railway conductor who wields a hammer against any hobo who dares set foot on the 19. An young and pretty-faced Keith Carradine is Cigaret, the brash young hobo-wannabe who latches onto Marvin's star and tries to ride it into the sunset.

I'm not sure that this strange, train-hopping adventure qualifies as one of my top ten Lee Marvin films, but considering the fact that Marvin starred in some of the best movies of all time, I guess that's not too harsh a criticism. The character of A-No.1 is loosely based on real-life Hobo King Leon Ray Livingston, who hoboed it up under that alias and is credited with being one of the gents who perfected the hobo symbol system. Livingston died in 1944 and did most of his rail riding before the Great Depression, so this isn't exactly based on real events, but it's still a really fun ride.

A-No.1 manages to get onto Shack's train only to find that he's been tailed by a loudmouthed tenderfoot (the adorable Carradine). In order to keep the kid from fouling up his plans, A-No.1 sets their hay filled train car on fire and crashes through the partially burned wooden side, leaving Cigaret inside to face the consequences of being found.

When rumours start to spread about some dirty 'bo riding Shack's train, A-No.1 takes it up a notch by announcing his intention to ride it all the way to Portland, by writing his travel itinerary right up on the a big tower adjacent to the train station. Shack gets ready for a battle, Cigaret gets ready to tag along, and A-No.1 gets ready for an epic battle.

There's a great deal of hobo wisdom to be learned from Emperor of the North Pole (for example, men are not trains, because men who are out of fuel can still run on dreams). Lee Marvin's climactic "you coulda been a meat eater" speech (delivered, of course, from the back of a speeding train as it careens through the scenic western countryside) is so stirring, it's almost the hobo version of Brando's "I coulda been a contender" speech from On The Waterfront.

The title itself is a nod to some Depression Era hobo lingo, referring to the joke that the world's best hobo was "Emperor of the North Pole" (i.e. the ruler of a desolate tundra). On the whole, this [essentially woman-less] film is about the romance of the rail-riding life, and it does paint a pretty compelling picture.

Extra points for an incredible poster.

Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior

George Miller | 1981 | 91 mins | Australia

I can't believe it took me this long to see the goddamn Road Warrior.

When I watched and loved Doomsday earlier this year amid the flurry of critiques about whether it was an "homage" or a "rip off" of Mad Max, I kept saying to myself "you've really got to finally see Road Warrior". It took a few months, but here we are!

Handsome, young Mel Gibson reprises his role in the original as the lone wanderer, scavenging for (now-priceless) petrol in the devastated wastelands of Australia's outback.

He finds a compound of good people running a small oil refinery and becomes embroiled in their efforts to transport their gas to safety without getting killed by a vicious post-apocalyptic motorcycle of punks in terrifying gimp masks and ass-less chaps (they're more awesome/scary but no less gay than I'm making them sound).

Chock full of amazing car chases, death defying crashes and at least one totally incredible explosion sequence (that must have comprised about 75% of the film's budget), Mad Max 2 is really quite awesome (and incredibly topical in our peak-oil obsessed world).

Leave it to the Australians to be 20 years ahead of the game in terms of pithy social commentary in their action flicks. After the third Mad Max joint, director George Miller went on to do The Witches of Eastwick. His most recent film was Happy Feet. What is he trying to tell us about women and the environment that we just aren't ready to hear yet?! His next project is Justice League: Mortal. Clearly the end is nigh.

Perhaps I overdid that tangent. The point is: am I telling anyone anything they don't already know about the Mad Max franchise? Probably not. Am I encouraging you all to rent a copy of this and watch it on the largest TV you can find? EMPHATICALLY YES.

Next up on my "catching up on things I should have seen already" list: Babe: A Pig in the City.

The Butterfly Murders

Tsui Hark | 1979 | 88 min | Hong Kong

Set in a time when 72 martial arts clans roamed China, all wanting to be no. 1 in the martial art world; a number of martial artists and Fong, a martial arts writer, find themselves at Shum Castle to investigate a number of deaths said to have been caused by butterflies. As they investigate the mystery of the poisonous butterflies, members of the party start to drop off like common flies.

The Butterfly Murders was Tsui Hark's first feature, and it shows. Not in terms of quality, but rather in terms of how much Hark stuffed into the one movie. Martial arts? Check. Butterfly horror(!!!)? Check. Scooby Doo style mystery? Check.

Some of the horror stuff isn't very effective, but it's a difficult task, to make butterflies seem threatening on film (which is accomplished on a few occasions). The action is good, solid stuff, just like you'd expect from Hark. It's not as kinetic as his later films, but his visual flair is very present; as is his impeccable sense of geography in his camera setups and editing.

What's most impressive about the genre hodge podge nature of the film is that never do any of the different elements seem out of place. I quickly accepted that it's a loose movie that has no interest in being straight-forward and conventional. If you're looking for that kind of film, look elsewhere. This one's called The Butterfly Murders!

Highlander

Russell Mulcahy | 1986 | 116 mins | USA

Sometimes, after a festival like TIFF, it can take weeks to get back into normal habits and movie watching patterns. It's easy to develop a severe case of film fatigue, and even easier to slip quietly into a post-fest depression that makes it difficult to drag oneself out of bed and to the couch, no matter how warm or inviting the VCR or DVD players look. For me, two weeks of silent weeping over the sudden, brutal lack of Clancy Brown in my daily life have finally given way to a sort of dull resignation that this is just what reality is like now. Sigh.

Sometimes, the only thing you can do is dust yourself off and watch some old favourites to get back in the game. And what better choice than the 1986 Clancy Brown classic, Highlander?

I haven't seen this film since I was about 10 or 12 years old, and I have to say that while it didn't terrify me nearly as much this time, it really held up amazingly well. Probably, nobody needs the plot of this stellar classic re-capped for them, but here it is anyway, for readers who were born in the '90s.

After being killed (but not killed!) by a mysterious, skull-helmet wearing opponent (Clancy Brown as The Kurgan) on the Scottish plains in 1536, Connor McLeod (Christopher Lambert) finds himself banished from his village (after all, who but the devil can come back from the dead?) and befriended by a dapper gent with a pearl earring named Ramirez (Sean Connery). Connor spends the next 400-ish years learning about his immortality and preparing for "The Gathering" at which all the remaining immortals (who haven't had their heads lopped off over the centuries) battle for "The Prize", because, as Clancy often reminds us, "there can be only one".

Between 007's bedazzled Spaniard and Clancy's immortal-punk psychopath, there's a lot of awesome star power supporting Lambert's beleaguered swordsman. When The Gathering turns out to be taking place in modern day NYC, pure awesomeness ensues.

Plus, I had nearly forgotten the great Queen soundtrack. I was probably too young to appreciate it in 1986.

Side Note: I realized while watching this film that every idea I've formed in adulthood about what my dream home might look like is straight out of Highlander's awesome, multi-story, floor-to-ceiling-windowed New York penthouse. Yep, even the circular weapons room with the sunken couches.

The Good, The Bad, The Weird

Kim Ji-woon | 2008 | 139 min | South Korea

In the ten years since making his amazing debut film, The Quiet Family (later remade by Takashi Miike as The Happiness of the Katakuris), Kim Ji-woon has given us the wrestling comedy, The Foul King and the K-Horror sensation, A Tale of Two Sisters, among other films (which I must admit to not having seen yet). Now he's made what is Korea's most expensive production to date. Not only that, but with that money, he's made a western. Far from the most popular genre of film at the moment, Ji-woon injects it with so much excess of style, action, and comedy that it's both a western for western-lovers and for your little sister who probably thinks Clint Eastwood looks like a creepy creep (which to be fair, he probably is).

Set in Manchria during the Japanese occupation, three Koreans (the titular Good, Bad, and Weird) are all involved in a train robbery. The Weird is on-board to rob its VIP passenger without knowing that he has an extremely valuable treasure map with him. The Bad and his gang stop the train with the sole intention of stealing said valuable map. The Good is there to foil The Bad's robbery. Once off the train, the map becomes sought after by not just the film's three leads, but also by the Japanese military and a good portion of the criminal underworld. Few know what the treasure is but figure that if so many people want it, it must be worth rising their lives and taking those of others.

Filled with ridiculously fun set piece after ridiculously fun set piece, great acting from its leads, and a script that keeps putting playful roadblocks in-front of its characters; the moments when I didn't have a smile on my face while watching The Good, The Bad, The Weird were rare. There's a bit of fat in some of the second half's action scenes, but it's a western, and that's how they're supposed to be. I'm not sure if I should use a steak metaphor or not...